Analysis of the "friend zone"

I the past couple years or so I have noticed a lot of talk of "the friend zone" in my Facebook newsfeed and a couple other places around the internet. It's a fairly popular term in today's world. And while I'm not really a huge fan of the term, I've seen a lot of people making generalized assumptions about the people who use it and I'm not really a big fan of that, either. So I decided I would just took a look at the term and try to release some of the tension going on.

The "friend zone" is the term used to refer to the situation where a person has unrequited romantic feels for someone that just thinks of them as a friend.

People who refer to themselves as being in the friend zone often express frustration over the following or similar things;

• The person they have feelings for getting involved with a person (or consecutive people) who, in the friend's opinion does not treat them right
• The person they have feelings for saying things like "I wish I could find someone more like you" or "you're like a brother to me"
• I can't really think of anything else right now

Now, let me just say this. I had feelings for a friend of mine for almost three years that were never reciprocated. I know it sucks to feel that way about someone who doesn't feel the same way, and it's especially hard to see the person you care so much about repeatedly getting their heart trampled on. So I definitely think there is a valid reason to be distressed there.

However, the misconception I often see people drawing from this is that the person in the friendzone is often nice to the person only to get in their pants, or that they think once they have done enough acts of kindness for somebody they are automatically entitled to a sexual reward. And if that is how someone sees it then yes, that is manipulative and very wrong. But most of the time it isn't the case at all.

When you have strong feelings for someone, you would do almost anything for them, because you just want them to be happy. And often doing everything for someone means doing very little for yourself, so it tends to make a person miserable. It's hard to put so much effort and selflessness into a relationship with someone you care deeply for and to know that they simply don't feel as deeply for you in return. You may wonder what is wrong with you, why they don't think you're worth it. As rational as you may be when it comes to other subjects, when your heart is mixed in it's hard to be constantly aware of the simple fact that they can't help not feeling that way about you, any more than you can help the fact that you do feel that way about them. The person may not have any conscious reason for not being romantically interested in you at all.

I will say that in my personal experience, about +95% of people who use the term "friend zone" are male, and most of the people who disagree with the term are women who see it as misogynistic, and as I said before, see it as indication that the men are only being nice to their female friends because they want to have sex with them. Personally I don't like the term because it vilifies the person you have feelings for and makes it seem like they are intentionally grieving or spiting you. So, here are my suggestions.

1. If you are only being nice to someone so they will have sex with you, stop it. You are an asshole.

2. If you think that everyone who says they're in the "friend zone" is a man who is only being nice to a woman because he wants to sleep with her, then that is presumptuous and sexist.

3. If you use the term "friend zone", stop it. The term for it is that you have unrequited feelings, stop trying to be so new-age about it.

4. If you do have feelings for one of your friends, tell them about it. That way they can give you an even response on how they feel in return, and if it isn't mutual you will know for sure and you will be more able to move on. And don't idolize them because that makes for an unhealthy relationship. And don't make them out to be a villain either, because obviously that doesn't help either.

5. Number four was going to be the last one but I'm just gonna say; if one of your friends tells you they have feelings for you and you don't feel the same way, don't make a big deal out of it. Though for crying out loud give them an answer. Just pretending it never happened is even worse then if you were to punch them in the face, because it means they won't be able to get over it and it will eat them alive.

Faith & Me

Faith is a big part of a lot of people's lives, and it kind of is in mine too but not really in the typical way. I do not consider myself to be religious, I do not affiliate myself with any particular set of beliefs. But I don't, by any means, hate religion. I don't believe people who believe in god are fools. I don't consider myself an atheist. I have a lot of respect for people who have faith, in some ways I really admire it. But sometimes people's beliefs can manifest themselves in ways that make others want to bash them with a brick that has "common sense" written on one side and "decency" on the other.

So I'm going to talk about a few of those.

First, people who believe their faith entitles them to more than others. I often if these people really even believe in the religion they claim to follow or if they just want an excuse to lord over others. There was a time when being spiritual was related to being enlightened. Now it's often associated with ignorance. People think that if they just talk loud enough and have a cross (or other religious symbol) to back them up, then they can get what they want. Then they get really upset when they're told that they are, in fact, not better than everyone else and should really stop pestering the other children because the teachers find it awkward trying to explain to everyone why you're so bossy and self-righteous.

Secondly, people who believe that anyone who does not follow their beliefs is automatically less moral than them. I'm not going to go into any examples or silly metaphors, because all I have to say on the point can be summed up fairly easily; I believe your morality should be based on how your actions effect others, not what you personally gain from them.

People who believe that it is okay to discriminate against people who are religious, because some religious people are jerks. That is bullshit. If one person of the fill-in-the-blank faith is an ass to you, that doesn't mean that everyone of all religions is a delusional psychopath, and believing that makes you just as much an ass as that old lady who cussed you out in public and threw a drink at you because you're gay/vegetarian/listening to heavy metal/carrying a decapitated goat head around. Being an atheist doesn't mean you're smarter or more sensible than others, just like being a Buddhist doesn't mean you have an above-average waist size.

People who believe that atheism is synonymous with "Satan worship". It's just silly. I mean, I can kind of see why people believe this. The world is divided up into the realms of God and Satan, and so if a person doesn't worship God that must be because they're devoted to the other, right? Nope. They don't believe in that guy either. If he showed up in their bedroom at night and instructed them to burn down an orphanage they'd just think they were dreaming and chuck their alarm clock at his head.

People who make their own religion look bad by crapping all over everyone and acting in direct opposition to the things they claim to believe in. This kind of ties into the first one, where I think a lot of these people just follow whichever set of beliefs because they see it as a way to get what they want and belittle everyone else. They're not strong enough to bully people physically and maybe not smart enough to manipulate people as effectively as they want, so they just default to the next main thing they think they can use to push others around. Unfortunately for them, people in the modern days aren't too keen on discrimination and their pseudo-faith doesn't end up being the Excalibur they were expecting.

And I guess that's the main pet peeves covered. As I said, I really don't dislike religious people at all or think that they are silly for their beliefs. I really admire the ability to experience unwavering faith in something. I just believe that a portion of them are full of shit and really just need to stfu for the good of us all.

Hopes for Merlin

Sooo, I am about to watch the final act for the third season of Merlin and I just wanted to write a short little post about some things that I really can't wait to see from the series. I don't really expect to see them happen within the finale, but y'know. Soon would be nice. I realize there are still two more seasons for me to watch after this so some of these things may have already happened, but FOOEY ON YOU I DON'T CARE.

Oh and by the way, spoilers and stuff.

#1 Uther needs to die

Seriously, he just does. I have been waiting impatiently for this to happen since episode 1 pretty much. I am just so sick of him hanging around to prove how much of an ass he is. I can't think of a single redeeming moment he has had. It's so annoying that he's such an important character because he is just sooooo frustrating (and I realize that is entirely intentional).

#2 Arthur needs to find out about Merlin

He hasn't even seen ANYTHING or been SLIGHTLY suspicious, even once. And it's almost the end of season three! Seriously guys, what are you dooooooing. Merlin's totally the cuter one and funnier and more likable, so it would be nice to see the guy who's supposed to be his friend finally show him a bit of respect.

#3 Arthur needs to find out about Morgana.

And then...

#4 Morgana needs to die

Omg. This bitch. I might hate her even more than Uther, for realsies. I liked her at first but then she was all OOOOH I HAVE MAGIC AND UTHER HATES MAGIC AND THAT MAKES ME MAD SO NOW I HAVE TO FUCK UP THE LIVES OF EVERYONE THAT CARES ABOUT ME.

#5 That blond lady that's in cahoots with Morgana should probably die too

Because seriously, you're just not getting anything accomplished and watching you try is just sad.

#6 Merlin and Arthur need to get gay

Cuz... um... well, come on now. Why would you even watch this show if you didn't want this. (I'm kidding, it's a fucking awesome show)

Bitch, please

I love when I'm hanging out with people, and a girl who thinks we're SUCH GOOD FRIENDS spends the whole time treating her boyfriend/husband/whatever like absolute shit and then she turns to me and says "See what I have to put up with?"
To which, I say a polite "I am not getting involved" and then cast the guy the best look I can manage to convey the message "I am really sorry and I think you should dump this bitch's ass in a snowbank."

What you are SO exasperated about "having to put up with" is a fucking human being who has the severe misfortune to desire to be LOVED by your super bitchy self and deserves more than being constantly told he's an idiot.

Honestly. Why more men don't devote themselves to taking it up the ass is beyond me.

Okay, I just wanted to say that because I found it amusing. Most of the female friends I have that I really am close to treat their spouses (because the two I can think of right away are both married) extremely fairly, and their relationships are the kind I've always dreamed of having. I certainly don't think all women are selfish bitches. And I could probably go on a rant about how males in a relationship treat their partners except I only have like two male friends, and I've only seen one of them in a relationship.

I dunno, maybe I'm just unlucky but it seems like a really common thing. It drives me insane. 

What do they want

I've been trying to keep the whiny stuff off of this blog, but god dammitt I need to whine about something and it's not like I actually have anyone to whine to.

I just don't know what the fuck people want from me. Do I just fucking try too hard or what? Do I not try enough? What the fuck is it? Am I just such a complete fucking mess that no one can fucking stand me?

I'm just tired of feeling so invisible. I'm going through some shitty stuff and people just say "It will get better :)"  Like, thanks a fucking lot. How long did it take you to come up with that? Do you even have any fucking idea what I just said? I have always been fucking left behind, I have always been fucking passed over. I try to make myself worth something. I try to be good enough, but I'm never good enough for anybody. What the fuck am I doing wrong.

I join a forum looking for some people to confide in and no one fucking knows I exist. I try not to be too annoying, I try not to be too miserable or show how fucking desperate I am for people to pay attention to me, cuz people tend to not find that very endearing. But I must just have STAY AWAY stamped all over my face in some colour that's visible to everyone but me.

I'm not perfect. I'm probably not even great. But I can't understand what makes me so fucking horrible, either. People say OH WOW I LOVE YOUR WRITING and then when I write something and I'm happy about it, no one has the time to read it. That's fucking fine. They say HEY I'M ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU and don't fucking say a word when I just try to strike up casual conversation. They say HEY, YOU SHOULD TEXT ME MORE I REALLY MISS YOU and don't text back.

Why don't you fucking say what you mean. Why don't you say HEY THINGS ARE KIND OF CRAZY RIGHT NOW, I DON'T REALLY HAVE A LOT OF TIME TO TALK. Is that so fucking hard? Stop acting like you still want to be my best friend because it's not hard to see you've got other priorities.

I can't fucking talk to anyone about ANYTHING. Like hey, I've struggled with my gender identity for years and I'm finally kind of happy with who I am as a person! "Cool." Nothing I fucking think or feel or do means fucking anything to ANYBODY and if you tell me it does then you are full of SHIT.

I seriously just want to take my laptop and my phone and chuck them at the wall as hard as I fucking can and stomp them into tiny little pieces and then smack them with a hammer for good measure so I won't be tempted to talk to these people anymore and just be reminded constantly that they don't fucking care. But I don't because I care about them and I'm just hoping again every day that something will happen and SOMEONE will take notice of even just one tiny fucking thing.

I don't get it. I guess I missed the day where they taught "how to not be completely worthless and invisible to everybody" in school.

Whatever. Hopefully I'll be moving soon and getting back to my old job, and then I won't have as much time to talk to people and I won't have to constantly be reminded how inconvenient my existence is to everyone else.

8 Asian Songs That Changed My Life

In a variety of different ways. They are kind of in order but also kind of not because I'm adding a couple more to the end and I've already re-arranged this list and re-numbered things like five times. I can't be bothered at this point.

#8 Now We're Getting Complicated
"Super Lover" - MissTER
So, I've certainly never found girls repulsive or anything drastic like that. I'm still not really sure where I stand on the sliding scale of sexuality, and part of that is because of this music video. When I first started to come to terms with the fact that I was attracted to men I told everyone, as many others do at first, that I was bisexual. I had dated several girls before after all, so it made sense. Then at some point I decided boobs were weird and if I dated a girl she would probably expect me to touch them so I switched out my label for a "gay" one. Then everything kind of fell apart when I stopped identifying as a boy and then this music video came along and jumped into the mess.
I still can't really say that I find females outright attractive, but when I saw Jin (the one with the mohawk) I kind of freaked out a little and declared that someday she would be my wife.

#7 Srs Bsns
"Betrayal" - Baby V.O.X
Two confessions. 1 - When I first heard this song, I had no idea what language it was in. 2 - When I saw the video, I didn't realize the singers were Asian at all.
I had heard one Korean song prior to watching this video ("Tragic" by BoA) but since I had no idea that song was Korean, that was my first "aware" exposure to K-pop. I loved the colours in their hair, I loved their voices, I loved the song. I went and learned the names of all the members. When I heard this song, I became a K-pop fan immediately. I remember the day I discovered them a friend of mine was coming over, and I spent like two hours loading music videos on my crappy dial-up connection for us to watch together.
I'm still very much a fan of the group. I've been following Kan Mi Youn's (pink/purple hair) solo career, and I have Shim Eun Jin's (orange hair) solo album as well.
Also, I'm totally pinning my ongoing obsession with Korean rappers on Kim EZ. She just makes it sound so damn good.

#6 Don't Cry, Don't Cry, Don't Cry, ffffffffuuuuuuuuu-
"Fate" - Lee Sun Hee
Just kidding! I don't cry, ever. That's not an "acting tough" thing, I'm just like... physically incapable of doing it. Seriously. My face is broken. But regardless, this song really messes me up emotionally, but in a really great way. The translation is a bit stiff in some parts, but just listening to her sing would be enough to give me chills even if I had no clue what she was saying. I have never really been a fan of ballads, but Lee Sun Hee completely blows me away every time. The downside is that now I have a really high standard for ballads.

#5 Multi-Purpose Role Model
"Reaction" - Harisu
A few summers ago I was living with a friend of mine who had just very recently come out to me as transgendered. I wasn't super experienced with the idea of transgender-ness at this point, though I'd had one other trans friend before. One day I was curious about it so I was looking up transgender singers, and that's when I found Harisu. She is a female singer/model/actress from South Korea who was born a man.
Seeing her music videos and also reading about how she was able to be happily married in a country that is well know for being relatively strict and conservative was really inspiring for me. And of course pretty soon I started to realize that a big part of the reason I was fascinated by her was that she was many things I wished I could be (mostly a female). She hasn't really been active in the music scene the past several years, by the time I discovered her she was already on hiatus on account of her marriage and such. But I still really admire her a lot.

#4 I Must Dance
"Ambassador" - Elva Hsiao
I must admit that there are very few Chinese artists that I actively follow compared to Korean ones. Though, I really only follow a couple Japanese artists as well. But this song is one of the first C-pop ones I ever fell in love with. Elva Hsiao is gorgeous and this is no doubt my all-time favourite song of hers. I cannot hear it without dancing a little and making horrible attempts to sing along to the Chinese lyrics. I have no idea what this song is about. I've never encountered an English translation. But holy crap is it catchy. It will get stuck in my head for WEEKS, just completely out of the blue, and then I have to listen to it like a hundred times and I am still not sick of it.

#3 Welcome To The Sexy World
"Rising Sun" - DBSK 
I'm sure the men in that music video would be absolutely horrified to know this, but fortunately they're never going to find out! The fact that I liked boys was already defined by the time I started to get into Asian pop music. I'd had an online relationship with a boy that lasted about a year. And I was certainly attracted to that boy, but... well, I'm going to skip the long introduction. Basically what I'm getting at here is that watching this music video was the first time I had really found a specific guy sexy without knowing him personally. It was a strong defining moment in the gay part of my life :P
Don't get me wrong, I was a huge fan of theirs for years, for reasons beyond the sex appeal. Junsu (guy with the drums), Jaejoong (the really pretty one with black hair) and Yunho (the guy with kind of light brown, short spikey hair in a white shirt) are all really attractive to me, and the guys can sing really well. But I've discovered lots of singers who are good at what they do. What really made them special to me, at least at first, was the new way in which they caught my attention.

#2 Lasting Impression
"Realize" - Nami Tamaki 
 While not the first Asian pop song I ever heard (I think it was the second) this one is definitely what catapulted me into the state of "omg this stuff is amazing." I had never seen anybody dance the way Nami Tamaki does. After this I listened to "Believe", "Reason", "Prayer" and half a dozen others. I was just convinced that this girl (though she's a woman now) was the most AMAZING person in the whole world. I grew up mostly listened to rock from my parents' time, or country, the only pop stuff I really heard was on the radio. The only singers I had ever seen dance were the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys, and they didn't exactly leave me in awe. But Nami was amazing. She changed the way I would listen to, relate to, and FEEL music for the rest of my life. 

#1 All Your Fault
"Dive" - BeForU
This song and this group are the entire reason I got into Asian pop music at all. It all happened because a friend of mine talked me into playing DDR with her, and at some point this song popped up and I was like HEY. THAT'S NOT ENGLISH. So I looked into it, and then everything kind of exploded. This song literally changed my life in huge ways. I've met friends through Asian pop music that I am so grateful to have. I can't even imagine what things would be like if I had never heard it. Definitely one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Yeah, Boners

So, weird and sexual and inappropriate things REALLY fascinate me. A couple nights ago I literally spent like... an hour and a half looking at this Tumblr that was just a whole bunch of guys with "awkward" boners. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I didn't find it funny, and it didn't turn me on. I was just like "Yeah, boners."

And I'm like that with a lot of things. I hate it when swear words or the words "dick" or similar are censored out of music. What's the point of even putting it in there in the first place if you're just going to take it out because some people find it inappropriate? If you're concerned with what people will think of the language in your lyrics, pick a different word to start with.

It's weird because I don't like a lot of western rap music, I find it way too raunchy and over the top and etc. But that might just be the way that they express it. I'm sure that's a big part of it, actually. I really don't mind listening to Ke$ha music and hear her talking about guys' dicks. Or just dicks in general, because in one song she says "suck my dick" so that's not really talking about a guy's dick, but if I said "talking about her dick" that would be misleading.

GETTING OFF TOPIC.

Anyway, I have purchased a number of songs on iTunes that are marked as "explicit" and I just find it really interesting, the differences between ones that are marked and ones that aren't. Like, one song is marked because the singer says "shit" one time - and another isn't marked where the person says "bullshit" multiple times. Is the shit more offensive jut because we don't know specifically what kind of animal it comes from?

And then a song is marked because the singer says "cock" even though it's made to sound like part of another word (in Katy Perry's song "peacock" she says "I wanna see your peacock-cock-cock"). But other songs that are much more severe don't get marked as explicit just because they don't mention specific body parts. IT'S ALL SO WEIRD.

The reasoning behind it, I'm assuming, is that people don't want their seven year old kids running around saying "cock". Which I can understand, it's a vulgar word. But what makes it vulgar. What makes it worse than saying "penis"? Or dick. I think dick is more vulgar than penis but not as vulgar as cock. But I don't know why I think that, and that fascinates me. Obviously that's what society has taught me, but in order for me to learn that way, other people must feel that way, so why do THEY feel that way? Is it because penis is the technical term, and everything else is slang? Because they're used in more sexual ways? Or more casual ways? That's my best guess.

We need a fancy, formal word for dick. So we can just walk up to the chaps in England and be like GOOD SIR, MIGHT YOU PERCHANCE GRACE ME WITH A VIEWING OF YOUR TUPPIN. I THINK I MIGHT LIKE TO LICK IT.

Or something.