What do they want

I've been trying to keep the whiny stuff off of this blog, but god dammitt I need to whine about something and it's not like I actually have anyone to whine to.

I just don't know what the fuck people want from me. Do I just fucking try too hard or what? Do I not try enough? What the fuck is it? Am I just such a complete fucking mess that no one can fucking stand me?

I'm just tired of feeling so invisible. I'm going through some shitty stuff and people just say "It will get better :)"  Like, thanks a fucking lot. How long did it take you to come up with that? Do you even have any fucking idea what I just said? I have always been fucking left behind, I have always been fucking passed over. I try to make myself worth something. I try to be good enough, but I'm never good enough for anybody. What the fuck am I doing wrong.

I join a forum looking for some people to confide in and no one fucking knows I exist. I try not to be too annoying, I try not to be too miserable or show how fucking desperate I am for people to pay attention to me, cuz people tend to not find that very endearing. But I must just have STAY AWAY stamped all over my face in some colour that's visible to everyone but me.

I'm not perfect. I'm probably not even great. But I can't understand what makes me so fucking horrible, either. People say OH WOW I LOVE YOUR WRITING and then when I write something and I'm happy about it, no one has the time to read it. That's fucking fine. They say HEY I'M ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU and don't fucking say a word when I just try to strike up casual conversation. They say HEY, YOU SHOULD TEXT ME MORE I REALLY MISS YOU and don't text back.

Why don't you fucking say what you mean. Why don't you say HEY THINGS ARE KIND OF CRAZY RIGHT NOW, I DON'T REALLY HAVE A LOT OF TIME TO TALK. Is that so fucking hard? Stop acting like you still want to be my best friend because it's not hard to see you've got other priorities.

I can't fucking talk to anyone about ANYTHING. Like hey, I've struggled with my gender identity for years and I'm finally kind of happy with who I am as a person! "Cool." Nothing I fucking think or feel or do means fucking anything to ANYBODY and if you tell me it does then you are full of SHIT.

I seriously just want to take my laptop and my phone and chuck them at the wall as hard as I fucking can and stomp them into tiny little pieces and then smack them with a hammer for good measure so I won't be tempted to talk to these people anymore and just be reminded constantly that they don't fucking care. But I don't because I care about them and I'm just hoping again every day that something will happen and SOMEONE will take notice of even just one tiny fucking thing.

I don't get it. I guess I missed the day where they taught "how to not be completely worthless and invisible to everybody" in school.

Whatever. Hopefully I'll be moving soon and getting back to my old job, and then I won't have as much time to talk to people and I won't have to constantly be reminded how inconvenient my existence is to everyone else.