What A Funny Gay

Being gay is a constant source of entertainment. Here is some examples!


#1 Uhhh, no.

So away back in like grade 7 or something, about two years before I realized I liked the dick, I had a girlfriend. We went out for about 7 months and it was all very 12 year old-ish. The one day we were talking on the phone and she told me she wanted to try French kissing and I was like uhhhhh... no. And I just remember thinking OH GOD, EVERYTHING WAS SO NICE THE WAY IT WAS AND YOU RUINED IT.

Somehow, I didn't see that as any kind of a clue.


#2 The Best Way To Come Out Is Through Awkward Silence

So in grade 9 I had this friend named Sarah, and she was very religious and I hadn't really experienced any homophobia from her, but I was told she was not very accepting. Nonetheless she was my friend, and I am the type of person who is not interested in having friends who think I'm someone I am not. So I decided to try to tell her.

I was in an online relationship with a boy at the time, and she asked me something about the person I was involved with and I was like "Oh, uhhh... I don't think you'd like them." To which she replied, jokingly of course, "Oh come on, it doesn't matter! As long as they're not a guy!"

....

"OH NOOOOOOOO"

Yeah. After we picked up the scattered chunks of her brain and glued her skull back together, she was fine with it. We remained friends all through highschool and it was lovely.

#3 Rightokaybye

So I sometimes get into these moods (all the time) where I am lonely and feel like no one will ever love me and etcetera. And so for a while my solution was to attempt to participate in casual sex, but I'm really picky so it didn't really work out. And even when it did, it didn't.

I met this one guy online and he wanted me to come over so I said I have to work today, but I'm off this and this day. But he wanted me to come over right then so I said okay, and took a cab over.

When I got there he wanted me to put a pair of women's panties on, as well as this kind of formal pants and shirt so I was like okay, whatever. And he also wanted to help me dress, but again I agreed. Then as he was standing behind me fixing my shirt he was like
"Thank you for helping me fulfill my fantasy." and my exact thoughts were "HOLY FUCK THIS IS HOW I DIE."

Turns out he wasn't going to murder me. Just give me the least satisfying sexual experience ever.

All he wanted was for me to lay face-down on the bed and not move at all while he dry-humped me until he creamed inside his pants. Then I had to leave because, SURPRISE, his wife was supposed to be home any minute.

SEX WITH STRANGERS. IT'S HILARIOUS.

#4 More Bad Dates

So, the first date I ever went on (actually every date I ever went on) was with a guy I met online. And we talked for a few days beforehand, then he invited me and a friend of mine who I was living with at the time to the movies with him and a friend of his. So we went, and I didn't actually tell my friend that I was going on a date but I'm sure he figured it out.

Anyway, before we even got there, my friend and I were walking down the road to the theater and he passed by with his ride and so he texts me and says "Wow, your hair is long. You need to get it cut." To which I angrily replied that it was my choice and he was like "Lol no it's definitely too long."

Then we get there, and he had said to me beforehand that he would be buying my friend's ticket. He actually said it, he didn't just imply something and I made an assumption off that. I told him my friend was unemployed and he said "I have a gift card with a bunch of money on it, I can pay for you guys." Then it turned out he wasn't going to buy it. So I had to tell my friend, who was unemployed at the time, that surprise! He has to buy his own ticket.

Then, the guy gives me his gift card thing so I can go up and get my own ticket. Then as we were walking toward the theater, he asked me for it back. I didn't have it. I went back up to the counter and asked them for it, and they said they didn't have it. All four of us distinctly remembered that they hadn't given the card back. The one who talked to us wasn't even the one who had given me my ticket, she was standing about a foot away not serving any customers, not doing anything at, and also keeping completely quiet and not helping look or anything.

So then I had to give the guy all the money I had on me in order to replace the card. Then we went in, watched the movie, and didn't say a word to each other the whole time. Then when it was over we went outside and he was standing there waiting for his ride and he was like "Yeah, my mom should be here soon, so you guys should go." My friend and I were like "...'kay." As we were leaving my friend looked at me and said "That was weird."

Then we were talking on msn later on and here's the hilarious part. HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS BOYFRIEND, AND WHEN I SAID NO HE COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHY. He actually got really mad and I couldn't help but laugh. Because I'm such a nice person, obviously.