Hopes for Merlin

Sooo, I am about to watch the final act for the third season of Merlin and I just wanted to write a short little post about some things that I really can't wait to see from the series. I don't really expect to see them happen within the finale, but y'know. Soon would be nice. I realize there are still two more seasons for me to watch after this so some of these things may have already happened, but FOOEY ON YOU I DON'T CARE.

Oh and by the way, spoilers and stuff.

#1 Uther needs to die

Seriously, he just does. I have been waiting impatiently for this to happen since episode 1 pretty much. I am just so sick of him hanging around to prove how much of an ass he is. I can't think of a single redeeming moment he has had. It's so annoying that he's such an important character because he is just sooooo frustrating (and I realize that is entirely intentional).

#2 Arthur needs to find out about Merlin

He hasn't even seen ANYTHING or been SLIGHTLY suspicious, even once. And it's almost the end of season three! Seriously guys, what are you dooooooing. Merlin's totally the cuter one and funnier and more likable, so it would be nice to see the guy who's supposed to be his friend finally show him a bit of respect.

#3 Arthur needs to find out about Morgana.

And then...

#4 Morgana needs to die

Omg. This bitch. I might hate her even more than Uther, for realsies. I liked her at first but then she was all OOOOH I HAVE MAGIC AND UTHER HATES MAGIC AND THAT MAKES ME MAD SO NOW I HAVE TO FUCK UP THE LIVES OF EVERYONE THAT CARES ABOUT ME.

#5 That blond lady that's in cahoots with Morgana should probably die too

Because seriously, you're just not getting anything accomplished and watching you try is just sad.

#6 Merlin and Arthur need to get gay

Cuz... um... well, come on now. Why would you even watch this show if you didn't want this. (I'm kidding, it's a fucking awesome show)

Bitch, please

I love when I'm hanging out with people, and a girl who thinks we're SUCH GOOD FRIENDS spends the whole time treating her boyfriend/husband/whatever like absolute shit and then she turns to me and says "See what I have to put up with?"
To which, I say a polite "I am not getting involved" and then cast the guy the best look I can manage to convey the message "I am really sorry and I think you should dump this bitch's ass in a snowbank."

What you are SO exasperated about "having to put up with" is a fucking human being who has the severe misfortune to desire to be LOVED by your super bitchy self and deserves more than being constantly told he's an idiot.

Honestly. Why more men don't devote themselves to taking it up the ass is beyond me.

Okay, I just wanted to say that because I found it amusing. Most of the female friends I have that I really am close to treat their spouses (because the two I can think of right away are both married) extremely fairly, and their relationships are the kind I've always dreamed of having. I certainly don't think all women are selfish bitches. And I could probably go on a rant about how males in a relationship treat their partners except I only have like two male friends, and I've only seen one of them in a relationship.

I dunno, maybe I'm just unlucky but it seems like a really common thing. It drives me insane. 

What do they want

I've been trying to keep the whiny stuff off of this blog, but god dammitt I need to whine about something and it's not like I actually have anyone to whine to.

I just don't know what the fuck people want from me. Do I just fucking try too hard or what? Do I not try enough? What the fuck is it? Am I just such a complete fucking mess that no one can fucking stand me?

I'm just tired of feeling so invisible. I'm going through some shitty stuff and people just say "It will get better :)"  Like, thanks a fucking lot. How long did it take you to come up with that? Do you even have any fucking idea what I just said? I have always been fucking left behind, I have always been fucking passed over. I try to make myself worth something. I try to be good enough, but I'm never good enough for anybody. What the fuck am I doing wrong.

I join a forum looking for some people to confide in and no one fucking knows I exist. I try not to be too annoying, I try not to be too miserable or show how fucking desperate I am for people to pay attention to me, cuz people tend to not find that very endearing. But I must just have STAY AWAY stamped all over my face in some colour that's visible to everyone but me.

I'm not perfect. I'm probably not even great. But I can't understand what makes me so fucking horrible, either. People say OH WOW I LOVE YOUR WRITING and then when I write something and I'm happy about it, no one has the time to read it. That's fucking fine. They say HEY I'M ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU and don't fucking say a word when I just try to strike up casual conversation. They say HEY, YOU SHOULD TEXT ME MORE I REALLY MISS YOU and don't text back.

Why don't you fucking say what you mean. Why don't you say HEY THINGS ARE KIND OF CRAZY RIGHT NOW, I DON'T REALLY HAVE A LOT OF TIME TO TALK. Is that so fucking hard? Stop acting like you still want to be my best friend because it's not hard to see you've got other priorities.

I can't fucking talk to anyone about ANYTHING. Like hey, I've struggled with my gender identity for years and I'm finally kind of happy with who I am as a person! "Cool." Nothing I fucking think or feel or do means fucking anything to ANYBODY and if you tell me it does then you are full of SHIT.

I seriously just want to take my laptop and my phone and chuck them at the wall as hard as I fucking can and stomp them into tiny little pieces and then smack them with a hammer for good measure so I won't be tempted to talk to these people anymore and just be reminded constantly that they don't fucking care. But I don't because I care about them and I'm just hoping again every day that something will happen and SOMEONE will take notice of even just one tiny fucking thing.

I don't get it. I guess I missed the day where they taught "how to not be completely worthless and invisible to everybody" in school.

Whatever. Hopefully I'll be moving soon and getting back to my old job, and then I won't have as much time to talk to people and I won't have to constantly be reminded how inconvenient my existence is to everyone else.

8 Asian Songs That Changed My Life

In a variety of different ways. They are kind of in order but also kind of not because I'm adding a couple more to the end and I've already re-arranged this list and re-numbered things like five times. I can't be bothered at this point.

#8 Now We're Getting Complicated
"Super Lover" - MissTER
So, I've certainly never found girls repulsive or anything drastic like that. I'm still not really sure where I stand on the sliding scale of sexuality, and part of that is because of this music video. When I first started to come to terms with the fact that I was attracted to men I told everyone, as many others do at first, that I was bisexual. I had dated several girls before after all, so it made sense. Then at some point I decided boobs were weird and if I dated a girl she would probably expect me to touch them so I switched out my label for a "gay" one. Then everything kind of fell apart when I stopped identifying as a boy and then this music video came along and jumped into the mess.
I still can't really say that I find females outright attractive, but when I saw Jin (the one with the mohawk) I kind of freaked out a little and declared that someday she would be my wife.

#7 Srs Bsns
"Betrayal" - Baby V.O.X
Two confessions. 1 - When I first heard this song, I had no idea what language it was in. 2 - When I saw the video, I didn't realize the singers were Asian at all.
I had heard one Korean song prior to watching this video ("Tragic" by BoA) but since I had no idea that song was Korean, that was my first "aware" exposure to K-pop. I loved the colours in their hair, I loved their voices, I loved the song. I went and learned the names of all the members. When I heard this song, I became a K-pop fan immediately. I remember the day I discovered them a friend of mine was coming over, and I spent like two hours loading music videos on my crappy dial-up connection for us to watch together.
I'm still very much a fan of the group. I've been following Kan Mi Youn's (pink/purple hair) solo career, and I have Shim Eun Jin's (orange hair) solo album as well.
Also, I'm totally pinning my ongoing obsession with Korean rappers on Kim EZ. She just makes it sound so damn good.

#6 Don't Cry, Don't Cry, Don't Cry, ffffffffuuuuuuuuu-
"Fate" - Lee Sun Hee
Just kidding! I don't cry, ever. That's not an "acting tough" thing, I'm just like... physically incapable of doing it. Seriously. My face is broken. But regardless, this song really messes me up emotionally, but in a really great way. The translation is a bit stiff in some parts, but just listening to her sing would be enough to give me chills even if I had no clue what she was saying. I have never really been a fan of ballads, but Lee Sun Hee completely blows me away every time. The downside is that now I have a really high standard for ballads.

#5 Multi-Purpose Role Model
"Reaction" - Harisu
A few summers ago I was living with a friend of mine who had just very recently come out to me as transgendered. I wasn't super experienced with the idea of transgender-ness at this point, though I'd had one other trans friend before. One day I was curious about it so I was looking up transgender singers, and that's when I found Harisu. She is a female singer/model/actress from South Korea who was born a man.
Seeing her music videos and also reading about how she was able to be happily married in a country that is well know for being relatively strict and conservative was really inspiring for me. And of course pretty soon I started to realize that a big part of the reason I was fascinated by her was that she was many things I wished I could be (mostly a female). She hasn't really been active in the music scene the past several years, by the time I discovered her she was already on hiatus on account of her marriage and such. But I still really admire her a lot.

#4 I Must Dance
"Ambassador" - Elva Hsiao
I must admit that there are very few Chinese artists that I actively follow compared to Korean ones. Though, I really only follow a couple Japanese artists as well. But this song is one of the first C-pop ones I ever fell in love with. Elva Hsiao is gorgeous and this is no doubt my all-time favourite song of hers. I cannot hear it without dancing a little and making horrible attempts to sing along to the Chinese lyrics. I have no idea what this song is about. I've never encountered an English translation. But holy crap is it catchy. It will get stuck in my head for WEEKS, just completely out of the blue, and then I have to listen to it like a hundred times and I am still not sick of it.

#3 Welcome To The Sexy World
"Rising Sun" - DBSK 
I'm sure the men in that music video would be absolutely horrified to know this, but fortunately they're never going to find out! The fact that I liked boys was already defined by the time I started to get into Asian pop music. I'd had an online relationship with a boy that lasted about a year. And I was certainly attracted to that boy, but... well, I'm going to skip the long introduction. Basically what I'm getting at here is that watching this music video was the first time I had really found a specific guy sexy without knowing him personally. It was a strong defining moment in the gay part of my life :P
Don't get me wrong, I was a huge fan of theirs for years, for reasons beyond the sex appeal. Junsu (guy with the drums), Jaejoong (the really pretty one with black hair) and Yunho (the guy with kind of light brown, short spikey hair in a white shirt) are all really attractive to me, and the guys can sing really well. But I've discovered lots of singers who are good at what they do. What really made them special to me, at least at first, was the new way in which they caught my attention.

#2 Lasting Impression
"Realize" - Nami Tamaki 
 While not the first Asian pop song I ever heard (I think it was the second) this one is definitely what catapulted me into the state of "omg this stuff is amazing." I had never seen anybody dance the way Nami Tamaki does. After this I listened to "Believe", "Reason", "Prayer" and half a dozen others. I was just convinced that this girl (though she's a woman now) was the most AMAZING person in the whole world. I grew up mostly listened to rock from my parents' time, or country, the only pop stuff I really heard was on the radio. The only singers I had ever seen dance were the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys, and they didn't exactly leave me in awe. But Nami was amazing. She changed the way I would listen to, relate to, and FEEL music for the rest of my life. 

#1 All Your Fault
"Dive" - BeForU
This song and this group are the entire reason I got into Asian pop music at all. It all happened because a friend of mine talked me into playing DDR with her, and at some point this song popped up and I was like HEY. THAT'S NOT ENGLISH. So I looked into it, and then everything kind of exploded. This song literally changed my life in huge ways. I've met friends through Asian pop music that I am so grateful to have. I can't even imagine what things would be like if I had never heard it. Definitely one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Yeah, Boners

So, weird and sexual and inappropriate things REALLY fascinate me. A couple nights ago I literally spent like... an hour and a half looking at this Tumblr that was just a whole bunch of guys with "awkward" boners. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I didn't find it funny, and it didn't turn me on. I was just like "Yeah, boners."

And I'm like that with a lot of things. I hate it when swear words or the words "dick" or similar are censored out of music. What's the point of even putting it in there in the first place if you're just going to take it out because some people find it inappropriate? If you're concerned with what people will think of the language in your lyrics, pick a different word to start with.

It's weird because I don't like a lot of western rap music, I find it way too raunchy and over the top and etc. But that might just be the way that they express it. I'm sure that's a big part of it, actually. I really don't mind listening to Ke$ha music and hear her talking about guys' dicks. Or just dicks in general, because in one song she says "suck my dick" so that's not really talking about a guy's dick, but if I said "talking about her dick" that would be misleading.

GETTING OFF TOPIC.

Anyway, I have purchased a number of songs on iTunes that are marked as "explicit" and I just find it really interesting, the differences between ones that are marked and ones that aren't. Like, one song is marked because the singer says "shit" one time - and another isn't marked where the person says "bullshit" multiple times. Is the shit more offensive jut because we don't know specifically what kind of animal it comes from?

And then a song is marked because the singer says "cock" even though it's made to sound like part of another word (in Katy Perry's song "peacock" she says "I wanna see your peacock-cock-cock"). But other songs that are much more severe don't get marked as explicit just because they don't mention specific body parts. IT'S ALL SO WEIRD.

The reasoning behind it, I'm assuming, is that people don't want their seven year old kids running around saying "cock". Which I can understand, it's a vulgar word. But what makes it vulgar. What makes it worse than saying "penis"? Or dick. I think dick is more vulgar than penis but not as vulgar as cock. But I don't know why I think that, and that fascinates me. Obviously that's what society has taught me, but in order for me to learn that way, other people must feel that way, so why do THEY feel that way? Is it because penis is the technical term, and everything else is slang? Because they're used in more sexual ways? Or more casual ways? That's my best guess.

We need a fancy, formal word for dick. So we can just walk up to the chaps in England and be like GOOD SIR, MIGHT YOU PERCHANCE GRACE ME WITH A VIEWING OF YOUR TUPPIN. I THINK I MIGHT LIKE TO LICK IT.

Or something.

InuYasha Characters

In order from least important to most important, based on my personal assessment of course. Also I'm only including protagonists, and only the main group.

Shippo is definitely the least important. He's there to fulfill the typical role of "the kid" which I never really understood the point of. I guess they're often intended to provide comic relief, but they rarely succeed. Shippo's not as bad as some others but I still find him kind of pointless.

Even though the series is named after InuYasha, we are told that it's all about Kagome. This is incorrect. She has a few brief "action girl" moments, but most of the time she just hangs around so InuYasha has someone to protect and fawn over.

 

Certain aspects of Miroku's personality do annoy me, but he's much more successful at comedy than Shippo, and much more useful in a fight than Kagome. I might have found him much less bearable if Sango hadn't shown up to smack him around.

Kirara is a fluffy little two-tailed kitten that turns into a giant flying firecat that the entire group rides through the air, and she amazing. You mess with her bitches, she will fuck you up.

Sango is a mortal girl who also happens to be a professional demon hunter. Which is pretty badass on its own, but on top of that she is friends with Kirara. She possess an enormous boomerang capable of chopping demons to bits, despite the fact that it's made out of wood and metal weapons are shown repeatedly to be useless. And she does it all while wearing pink. She's everything Kagome should have been. 

InuYasha is some sort of dog-eared sex god. But he doesn't just get first place because I find him sexy... and cute... and want to give him lots of hugs. Or even because the entire series is named after him. He gets first place because he kicks ass. He gets shit done. He pretty much pulls the weight of the entire team (before Sango and Kirara show up of course) and he does it quite well. He still gets his ass kicked on a semi-regular basis, but he usually comes out as a victorious bloody pulp one way or another.

What A Funny Gay

Being gay is a constant source of entertainment. Here is some examples!


#1 Uhhh, no.

So away back in like grade 7 or something, about two years before I realized I liked the dick, I had a girlfriend. We went out for about 7 months and it was all very 12 year old-ish. The one day we were talking on the phone and she told me she wanted to try French kissing and I was like uhhhhh... no. And I just remember thinking OH GOD, EVERYTHING WAS SO NICE THE WAY IT WAS AND YOU RUINED IT.

Somehow, I didn't see that as any kind of a clue.


#2 The Best Way To Come Out Is Through Awkward Silence

So in grade 9 I had this friend named Sarah, and she was very religious and I hadn't really experienced any homophobia from her, but I was told she was not very accepting. Nonetheless she was my friend, and I am the type of person who is not interested in having friends who think I'm someone I am not. So I decided to try to tell her.

I was in an online relationship with a boy at the time, and she asked me something about the person I was involved with and I was like "Oh, uhhh... I don't think you'd like them." To which she replied, jokingly of course, "Oh come on, it doesn't matter! As long as they're not a guy!"

....

"OH NOOOOOOOO"

Yeah. After we picked up the scattered chunks of her brain and glued her skull back together, she was fine with it. We remained friends all through highschool and it was lovely.

#3 Rightokaybye

So I sometimes get into these moods (all the time) where I am lonely and feel like no one will ever love me and etcetera. And so for a while my solution was to attempt to participate in casual sex, but I'm really picky so it didn't really work out. And even when it did, it didn't.

I met this one guy online and he wanted me to come over so I said I have to work today, but I'm off this and this day. But he wanted me to come over right then so I said okay, and took a cab over.

When I got there he wanted me to put a pair of women's panties on, as well as this kind of formal pants and shirt so I was like okay, whatever. And he also wanted to help me dress, but again I agreed. Then as he was standing behind me fixing my shirt he was like
"Thank you for helping me fulfill my fantasy." and my exact thoughts were "HOLY FUCK THIS IS HOW I DIE."

Turns out he wasn't going to murder me. Just give me the least satisfying sexual experience ever.

All he wanted was for me to lay face-down on the bed and not move at all while he dry-humped me until he creamed inside his pants. Then I had to leave because, SURPRISE, his wife was supposed to be home any minute.

SEX WITH STRANGERS. IT'S HILARIOUS.

#4 More Bad Dates

So, the first date I ever went on (actually every date I ever went on) was with a guy I met online. And we talked for a few days beforehand, then he invited me and a friend of mine who I was living with at the time to the movies with him and a friend of his. So we went, and I didn't actually tell my friend that I was going on a date but I'm sure he figured it out.

Anyway, before we even got there, my friend and I were walking down the road to the theater and he passed by with his ride and so he texts me and says "Wow, your hair is long. You need to get it cut." To which I angrily replied that it was my choice and he was like "Lol no it's definitely too long."

Then we get there, and he had said to me beforehand that he would be buying my friend's ticket. He actually said it, he didn't just imply something and I made an assumption off that. I told him my friend was unemployed and he said "I have a gift card with a bunch of money on it, I can pay for you guys." Then it turned out he wasn't going to buy it. So I had to tell my friend, who was unemployed at the time, that surprise! He has to buy his own ticket.

Then, the guy gives me his gift card thing so I can go up and get my own ticket. Then as we were walking toward the theater, he asked me for it back. I didn't have it. I went back up to the counter and asked them for it, and they said they didn't have it. All four of us distinctly remembered that they hadn't given the card back. The one who talked to us wasn't even the one who had given me my ticket, she was standing about a foot away not serving any customers, not doing anything at, and also keeping completely quiet and not helping look or anything.

So then I had to give the guy all the money I had on me in order to replace the card. Then we went in, watched the movie, and didn't say a word to each other the whole time. Then when it was over we went outside and he was standing there waiting for his ride and he was like "Yeah, my mom should be here soon, so you guys should go." My friend and I were like "...'kay." As we were leaving my friend looked at me and said "That was weird."

Then we were talking on msn later on and here's the hilarious part. HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS BOYFRIEND, AND WHEN I SAID NO HE COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHY. He actually got really mad and I couldn't help but laugh. Because I'm such a nice person, obviously.